A heartfelt letter to my firstborn - I'm sorry

To my dearest firstborn,

You are turning nine end of this year and I realised, to my shock and even a little horror, that it will be your last single digit year before you move on and become a tween. I can never understand why the days are long but the years are so fleetingly short, especially when it comes to a mum watching her kids grow up. Too short, if you were to ask me.

I still vividly remember how I felt when you first arrived in this world. You were my first baby, my precious one, my bundle of joy, my gem, my everything - and you were the one who made me a mum. Daddy and I were so looking forward to your arrival, we were so glad that you were born safe and healthy in a home away from home, and you had the sweetest face, cutest fingers and most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I felt over the moon when I cradled you for the first time, thinking how perfectly you fit in my arms and on my chest.



Now, you have grown so tall that you are at my shoulders, you weigh nearly half of me and I can't quite carry you up for more than a minute. Okay, maybe not even for half of it. The good thing is you still love to cuddle, hug and kiss me and you refuse to go to bed every night without doing so. I enjoy all your affection and I am so afraid that as time passes us by, one day you will just stop wanting to be so close to Mama.

It hasn't been a good day for us today. Or in fact, it has been a really trying period for us, hasn't it? We've both lost our cool, flared up, screamed, shouted, stormed off, fought, argued, and do things that we know we will end up regretting. Tonight, I am feeling like one of the worst mums in the world and I wonder what is it that I've done wrong, how things ended up this way, how I can teach you more effectively, how I can nurture you into the good and kind person I hope you'll be, how I can just be a better mum to you. It's easy for me to just blame it on life, on having to juggle three kids on my own, on today being the stressful start of another solo parenting week with Daddy away. But deep down, I know I only have myself to blame - for not being as patient, as loving, as sensitive, as wise as I wish I could be. 

It's easy how our hearts pour out when we weep, or maybe it's because I'm really just an overly sentimental mum. As I type this, my feelings and emotions are all over the place and even though I can't quite pinpoint if it is a good or bad thing, I think it's important for me to feel all of it. To let in all the hurt, the joy, the sorrow, the disappointment, the regret, the fear, the agony, the elation, the anxiety, and then tell myself to concentrate on the one most important thing - the hope. The hope for a better tomorrow, a better future, a better me.

I just want you to know how sorry I am for many things, even though I might not know how to say it to you in person at all times, I still feel all of it so strongly, my dear.

I'm sorry that..... your siblings took me away from you. Even if they didn't take all of me, the truth if you had to share me the moment you were not the only child. It's especially tough on you when your sister still needs me for many things and your toddler brother is so sticky, clingy and demands for Mama nearly all the time. 

I'm sorry that..... you are always asked to give in. I know it's not fair to you at times and your siblings are be rather unreasonable, loud and fierce. You've always been the one with the softest voice amongst the three and sometimes, they just 'eat' you up and bully you. People are always telling you to give in 'just because you are the oldest' and more often than not, it's unfair to you.

I'm sorry that..... you have to be my best helper and look after your sister and brother, especially when I'm busy with the chores. It's tough that I have such high expectations of you and I'm always asking you to step up to the plate. Even when you try your utmost, I still don't give you enough credit at times, thinking that you are just doing what you ought to do as the big sister.

I'm sorry that..... I don't have much time to go through your school work with you. Maybe that's also why you have grown to be quite independent and responsible when it comes to academics, but I still wish I had more time to teach you, to do crafts with you, to have one-on-one reading time with you, to learn more about science with you because you love the subject so much. Instead, I'm bogged down by the daily chores, by your siblings' needs, by the demands of everyday life that I feel like 24 hours a day is inadequate for me to spend as much time with you as I would like to.

I'm sorry that..... you seldom get to be next to me. Be it in the food court, on the train, in the bus or even as we are walking, your sister and brother always want to be beside me, they push you away at times and you end up walking beside one of them. Yes, that's the thing about having two hands but three kids. Sometimes, my hands are so tied that you end up being the one to push the stroller with all our barang barang, and even though I'm proud of you for doing so because I don't know what I would do without you, a part of me aches because I know how much you want to be with me.

I'm sorry that..... you are not the baby of the family anymore. You are the eldest of the three and people always throw you questions like "Do you take care of Didi and Meimei?", "Do you help your Mama?", "Are you a good big sister?" that even I feel it - that extra burden and sense of responsibility that you bear as an eight-year-old. Sometimes, you come up and ask me for a cuddle just because you want to be close to me, you want me to call you by the nickname I used when you were young instead of calling you "Jiejie", and you even say you just want to be my baby always - and my heart aches again. You are, my dear, you are and will forever be.

I'm sorry that..... we don't have much one-on-one dates. In fact, we've never gone on one. Going for the roller coasters with you, and you only, at USS while your grandparents kept an eye on the younger ones was the closest we got to spending a date together. It's something I tell myself to work harder on because I need to spend more quality time with you, I want to get to know you better, I want to hear your stories without interruption from your siblings, I want to be able to pour my heart out to you and you to me. This mother-daughter bond that we have, I know it's strong and lasting in my heart yet it feels so fragile on the bad days that I tell myself I have to strive harder to be your mum, your friend, your confidant.

I'm sorry that..... you have to be wise beyond your years. Having to help out in the home, having to keep an eye out for your siblings, having to help me out every time I holler, having to manage your own responsibilities, having to multi-task like an adult, having to be sensible and mature, having to behave and be a good role model, having to learn and to lead at the same time, it's no wonder you have been forced to grow up at an accelerated pace ever since you became a big sister. It's hard and it's tough on you, I know, my dear. I know.

I'm sorry that..... I raise my voice or punish you so easily. It's so hard trying to be a good mum and when all of you take turns to act up and drive me up the wall, I lose my temper and become the kind of mum I dread to be. Fierce, overpowering, dominant, and just uncool. There's so much for me to learn in this motherhood journey and every day presents a new lesson for me. Just like how I hope I can be more patient with you, you need to be patient with Mama too, okay? We'll learn and be better together, hand in hand, heart to heart.



For all the things I'm sorry about, having the three of you will never be one of it. Never ever. You are the best things that have ever happened to me in my life, and nothing in the world will change this fact. For all the mean things I've said to you in a moment of anger, please don't ever doubt that you are my pride, my joy and my greatest treasure. For all the wrongs I did, thanks for making me still feel somewhat 'right' because you always say I'm the best Mum in the world. Yup, you are likely the only one who will think so, but it's okay because you are enough.

After all these years, your ambition is still to become a mum and the fact that you never wavered from it (yet) is a strong motivation for me to go on. You have no idea how much strength you give me and how much I want to be better because of you, my dear.

No matter what happens, I hope you'll never forget just how much I love you. And that you'll always be my baby. Always.

With endless love,
Mummy

I am ME

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Today, I celebrate ME.

I might not be a powerful woman with a long list of achievements, I am not a political figure who serves the country, I can't make history or help to achieve gender equality around the world, I am not a leader whom people can look up to, and I do not have huge aspirations to make the world a better place for everyone.

On the contrary, I am just an ordinary woman, a mum of three, a daughter, a wife and a friend. I strive to make ends meet, I live from day to day, I work hard from morning to night every single day yet I sometimes go to bed feeling like I've achieved nothing at all.

I've never felt that I'm better than anyone or that I can hold it all together more than anyone. The truth is I am trying and I can only keep trying. Try to learn lessons from yesterday, try to make the best of today, and try to make tomorrow a future worth looking forward to. If there's a good time that I should make a list of my own personal achievements and make me feel good about myself, I think today is the day.

Well, it's International Women's Day after all, and I think it is important for us to feel empowered, feel strong, and feel proud. For the first time ever on the blog, here's a letter to myself.

Dear Summer,

I see your laughter, I see your tears. I feel your joy, I feel your exhaustion. I sense your exasperation, I sense your hope. For all that others might say, I know it isn't easy to be a SAHM of three doing what you do but you do it anyway without complaint and most importantly, without regrets.

People always ask you why you chose this path in life and friends say it's not something they expected out of you. They thought that you would be the one who made it big and have a successful career to boast about now that you are in your mid-thirties. They don't see family life the way you do nor understand why you would want to be a SAHM and 'suffer' all day. Boy, they are so wrong, aren't they? You've given up on trying to make them see it from your perspective because most of them can't and you jolly well know that everyone is entitled to his/her own preferences and desires in life. Never have you wavered when it comes to yours and you've always, and will always, believe that you are living your dream.

It's hard to always keep your cup half full and see life as positive and beautiful, especially on days when you almost lose your sanity and turn into a screaming monster that you don't even recognise. It's easy to give in to despair, to slam the door and walk away, to give up and lose the fight. But you, you don't throw in the towel even when you are barely standing because you know your kids are worth fighting for with every inch of your might.

I see your messy house almost every day and it's hard trying to maintain it without a helper or part-time cleaner. I see you learning to keep one eye closed because there are far more important things for you to handle other than keeping a clean house. I see you trying to train your kids to help out and while others might label it as child labour, you know that it's only the start of the journey towards helping your kids to become independent and responsible individuals.

Even though you can't cook well and are lazy to learn new recipes,  I see you trying your best to whip up simple homecooked meals for the kids. Your hands are rough from all the washing but you see it as an act of love. On days when you don't manage to cook, you bring the kids out to food courts and kopitiams and though it's funny how you always attract stares when it's 1A3C at your table, you've learnt to make it work, to multi task and in fact, to enjoy a meal out together with your kids.

No matter how much your kids might bicker from time to time or how they break your heart, the truth is they are loving and obedient most of the time and you know in your heart that you have done your best to nurture them all these years. Yes, there are many more years to come but you are glad that you will be the one right beside them to guide them every step of the way. It's also a learning journey for you as a mum and you have challenges and obstacles to overcome every so often. No one ever said this was going to be easy, right? And you, you've never been the one to seek the easy way out in your life.

You are one of those mums who never ever depend on parents for help, not your in-laws nor even your own dad and mum. The hubby thinks you can be as stubborn as a mule on some days but that is just the way you are when it comes to your kids. Well, being headstrong is probably what made you able to give birth thrice without epidural because deep down, you believe that if you set your heart to it, there's nothing you can't achieve. The parents don't come over to your house unless you invite them over for meals, they have never bathed or changed diapers for your kids and you have tried to do everything on your own, together with the hubby, ever since the first time you gave birth in a home away from home. 

Remember how you brought Angel for her check up within a week of giving birth? You dressed your newborn in layers and layers of clothes, and pushed the bulky stroller all the way through the snow to make it to the only clinic in your town when you were still healing from your wounds. When Asher came out, you brought him out the very next day after you got discharged to help celebrate Ariel's birthday in school. Confinement? For good or for bad, you were never confined. Yes, you do have weird priorities at times that others might never comprehend but it's you and you are the one in charge of your life.

It's not really nice to keep talking about how much you have to solo parent the kids, but even if you do from time to time, you earned the right to. Most people don't know how much difference it makes, having a hubby who comes home on time after work and is around during the weekends vs having a hubby who has a volatile schedule, usually works past midnight and is often away at sea. You love how hands-on your hubby is and yes, he is a wonderful dad and a terrific spouse. But him being away so often, it is an extra burden for you to bear but you know how important it is to stay supportive and hold the fort at home so he can go to work with a peace of mind. You know it's not easy being him, and the good thing is he knows it's not easy being you too.

You keep this blog going despite wanting to give up at times as it takes up too much of your time. You love to write and you love hearing stories from your readers. I see you typing away sometimes with your eyes half closed, I see you sacrificing countless hours of sleep and rest, I see you always asking to host giveaways so your readers can benefit, I see you slogging at doing growing up videos of the kids, and I feel you. I feel your passion, your willpower and your love. I know this blog is what you want to do not for others, but for yourself.

If there is anything I want to tell you, it's that you never have to be afraid of what others think of you. Your kids look up to you and they always say you are the best mum in the world, to which you laugh it off and say you are not. But to them, you are, and that is the only one thing that should matter to you in your motherhood journey. Your hubby might not see eye to eye with you from time to time, especially when it comes to raising the kids, but he applauds you for all you have done deep in his heart and you know how thankful he feels, and so should you.

Like what you've said before, being a SAHM is a privilege, not a sacrifice. You know how lucky you are so never forget to count your blessings each day. Have faith in your decisions, persevere when the going gets tough and enjoy the life journey you've chosen. Never let anyone or anything change your outlook in life or stop you from being you.

You have the right to be who you want to be in your life. You only have one, or in fact, half of it left, so do what you want, don't look back, be who you wanna be, and continue to make each day a happy one. For you are A Happy Mum, and I hope you will always be.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, EVERYONE. 
BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE, STARTING FROM TODAY.

******

This post is part of the "A SAHM's Story" series where I share my experiences, tips and reflections of being a stay-at-home mum. It takes a SAHM to truly understand another and while many might assume that we are tai tais or that we get to shake legs all day long, only we know the amount of toil and sweat we put in just to get past each day. Likewise, only we know the true rewards and unparalleled joy that this job has brought us. Being a mum, and one who gets to witness all her children's milestones and spend precious time with them every day, is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. While I gave my kids life, they gave me a reason to live.


Reflections of a SAHM
Is motherhood all rainbows and butterflies?
Why you should never call me a Tai Tai 
"What's a stay-at-home mum worth?" on Talking Point 
A year older as a SAHM 
10 things I've learnt from my kids 
Not a sacrifice, but a privilege 
The story of the missing dryer 
最幸福的事
I am ME

Tips from a SAHM
8 ways to be a happy SAHM
12 rules for a happy marriage
How to be a SAHM and not feel like a bum
15 tips to dining out with young kids
12 tips to travelling on public transport with young children 
When sorry seems to be the hardest word 

Life as a SAHM
Through the eyes of my child
Knowing that I am rich
Getting used to the chaos
Remembering I'm still me 
15 signs that you're a mum of 3

Happiness is... making time to connect

There are some days in motherhood that I feel like I've done a million things, yet when I go to bed at night, I feel like I've done nothing at all. You know what I mean? I might have done a whole load of chores, run many errands and did all the things that I need to do, but have I done anything that I want to do?

It's not easy having to juggle the needs of three kids in different phases of their lives on top of having to take care of a home. The littlest is in a very needy, clingy phase and he still demands for my milk every few hours. The middle one is in Kindergarten 2 this year and is trying hard to cope with the new syllabus and weekly spellings. The big girl is in Primary 3 and I must say her workload is much increased as compared to previously, and it seems like there is a good deal of homework to complete every day. Will we be bogged down by homework, tests, exams and lots of studying from now on? I seriously don't think life is easy for a primary schooler but at least the good thing is she loves going to school. Phew.

Nonetheless, I've realised that while I've taken care of their needs, making sure they have food to eat, their homework is done, their uniforms are ironed, they get to go for their enrichment classes, they go to school on time, they get to watch movies, they have toys to play with and so on, it seemed to me that I was just getting by the days without making them really count at times. It didn't help that solo parenting made me so tired on some days that all I wanted to do was get past each day, survive with the kids, get the chores done and make it through to another sunrise. No matter how some of you might think I am a super mum, the truth is I am not as super as I hope I can be and I do get tired, I do flare up, I do lose my cool and I do things that I'm not proud of too.

In February's "Happiness is...", it's about reminding myself that no matter how busy life gets, I need to make time to connect. I need to connect with family and friends, I need to let the kids connect with nature, play and outdoor fun, I need to connect with the hubby and I need to let the kids connect with me as a mum too. That is what I want to do.

I LOVE visiting Chinatown, especially during the Chinese New Year period. Yup, crazy right, considering how I always have three kids in tow and the crowd is horrendous. For the past two years, I've brought the kids here myself because I just really want them to feel the festive mood and get in touch with our culture and heritage. Yes, we need to stay connected to our roots too!

This year, I was so relieved and delighted that the hubby had the chance to come with us. We came on a weekend afternoon and surprisingly, it wasn't as packed as I imagined and we had such a good time shopping for CNY goodies, sampling treats (I lost count of how many jellies they ate), listening to CNY songs, admiring the lanterns and decorations and taking a photo with this super cute doggie family of five.

No matter how busy our schedule gets, we never missed a lesson of their art classes because the girls enjoy them tremendously. Yup, it's been a good five years since I've started coming to heART Studio weekly and even though I always have to entertain the toddler for over an hour while waiting for his sisters to finish their lessons, I am glad that the kids are still connected to this passion of theirs and we are constantly exposing them to the arts, to something outside of worksheets, textbooks and quizzes. I love this shophouse painting done by Angel, which was partly inspired from our recent outing to Chinatown.

Attending birthday parties is one of the ways I get to stay connected with my long time friends. It's amazing how we don't get to see each other often yet that feeling of having known each other for nearly half a lifetime doesn't ever change. Some of my jie meis are giving birth this year so I'm looking forward to more baby showers where I can get to meet up with friends and hold cute, chubby babies too! Here we were at the airport after attending our friend's daughter's first year party. We spent the early afternoon connecting with friends, singing birthday songs, chatting on what's new in our lives; and then the late afternoon connecting with the kids by playing in the arcade together, dining at a new restaurant and running around whenever there was space. The kids were screaming in joy when Daddy let them sit/stand on the airport stroller and whizzed them around so fast, complete with sudden stops before they crashed into walls, that it felt like they were in a roller coaster ride!

I made sure to bring the kids to more playgrounds this month because I realised I hasn't been doing it as much as before. Yup, seriously, there shouldn't be any excuses like the sun is too hot, it's going to rain, I am too tired, you are nursing a cough, it's too far, we have better things to do etc. You just gotta do it. We checked out this fun playground at Changi Beach and I also brought the kids around our neighbourhood in search of more playgrounds we've never been before. They had a blast each time!

My kids love being at the beach and it's something that helps them to stay connected with nature. They love picking seashells, finding unique shaped leaves, looking for bugs, playing with sand, splashing around in the seawater and just having a good time enjoying the simple joy that life has to offer. While we still need to always keep an eye out for the kids, I think they are now better aware of the dangers (especially the toddler), which in turn gives the hubby and I a little more time and freedom to enjoy our time together. It's so important to stay connected as hubby and wifey, to invest in our marriage, to keep the flame burning as a couple because that is what brought us here as a family in the first place.

I think I nag a lot at home and the one who suffers most from it is the eldest. I'm always asking her to finish her work, to look after her siblings, to help out in the house and so on. Sometimes, I tell myself to hold my tongue and just let her indulge, connect and have some fun with her siblings - even when her homework is not yet done.

This was a sight I witnessed when I was cooking dinner halfway and went into the playroom to check on the kids. They were all sitting on the bed, the boy was busy doing his own thing while the eldest was holding an ukulele and strumming away (she can't play but we can all strum at least, right?) as she made up a story and the younger sister would use their stuffed toys and puppets to act it out. Very creative, very heartwarming.

Other than the CNY period, the hubby was away often and so I had lots of time to spend with the kids on my own. While I tried to cook simple meals and made sure we still ate homecooked food, I also told myself that it was okay to dine out or just have takeaways too - if it meant that I was less tired, didn't need to spend so much time cooking and washing, and instead have more time for the kids.

I love chatting with them about how their day went, about the latest movie we watched, about current affairs, about their experiences in school and all the cute stories they have to share about their classmates, friends and teachers. Mealtimes are one of the best ways for us to connect as mum and kids, and I feel so strongly about this topic that I've been wanting to write a post on it. Wait for it to come soon!

Knowing how much my kids love love love butterflies, we also found time to make it to the first indoor butterfly aviary which was held in Harbourfront Center last month. The girls were over the moon to come up close with so many butterflies and insects and I'm still very much amazed by how they are not scared of these bugs but instead love to hold them, pat them and talk to them.

I also realised that even though my kids love water play, there can be weeks when we get so busy and I absolutely forget to include some time for them to go swimming, play at a water playground or just splash around and get themselves all wet. In the month of February, I made sure I included more time for water play and there were even days when their swimsuits were still wet but we went for another round of play all the same. We also went all the way to Sentosa just to let them play at Port of Lost Wonder, which is now free for all, and the kids had a splashing good time with Papa. Woohoo!



Last but not least, the main highlight of February has to be.... CHINESE NEW YEAR, of course! It's my favourite festive season (Christmas comes a close second) and I love how we get to visit and gather with family and friends, have reunion lunches and dinners, play card games, feast on yummy food and goodies, and most importantly, stay connected with the people who matter in our lives.

We were busy right from the eve of CNY where we had reunions and the kids stayed up till 2am to 守岁 (as they watched TV, haha) all the way till 元宵 and we still have more gatherings to come this weekend. I was so glad that I managed to host my secondary school friends because these are the people who I've known for over two decades of my life and shared so many ups and downs with. I hope you all enjoyed your time at A Happy Home and that the BBQ was as enjoyable as we hoped it would be, despite all the hiccups like a faulty pit.




It was also awesome that we got to visit my grandma thrice in a row and spend some precious time with her because now that she has dementia and can't remember clearly who we are, my heart aches for her and I just want her to be as happy as possible. Seeing her great grandchildren and having us around her definitely helps to cheer up her day!



I love watching lion dance performances as a kid so I make sure my kids get to watch it every year too. You know how different it is to watch a live one as compared to one shown on the TV, right? So this year, I was searching for all the places where we could catch a show and was elated that we caught the first show at Waterway Point. It was mad awesome and even involved drums with changing LED lights, a dragon dance, mascots and a breathtaking lion leaping over the poles performance. Woohoo! I remember it was during their Heguru classes and I was the only parent who pulled the kids out halfway just so that they could watch the show - so much so that the teachers had to ask me to do it discreetly so I wouldn't disrupt the class. Oops. It was very much worthwhile though! And I was so glad I went to chope a nice spot so we could watch the entire show in full view. Awesome!

CNY is also a valuable time for us to get together as a family of five and I was very thankful that we had the hubby with us for a good five-day period before he got busy at work again. Yes, being a navy hubby who is away often means that he needs to find time to connect with his kids too and I'm glad he is a very hands-on hubby whenever he is around. The kids love him lots because he injects much fun and laughter into their lives too. Right, why is it that Daddy is usually the playmate while Mummy remains the caretaker? Haha.

Even amidst all the CNY celebrations, we made sure that the kids had time to relax, to unwind and to play to their hearts' content too. It was definitely a much needed break for all of us and to be able to come together like this and reconnect with one another, I think it did us so much good and gave us the strength to carry on when the hustle and bustle resumed.

It was the first day of my menses and I was having bad cramps and even stained my pants when the hubby suggested that we should take the kids to Sentosa. Haha, yesh he did. Not wanting to whine or be a spoilsport, I went to Uniqlo to get a pair of shorts, changed into it at once and off we went to take the cable car because my boy simply loves it so much. The kids did ask why I looked so pale when we boarded but thankfully it got better and better as the day progressed. Yes, it was the last day of the CNY holidays and I really wanted to make it count. Cramps or no cramps, let's carpe diem!





The one thing that keeps me going when the going gets tough is these little surprises and assurance from my kids which motivate me and give me the determination I never knew I had. Writing cards and sweet notes to one another is one of the ways the girls and I stay connected and I hope they know how much all these sweet little acts of theirs mean to me.

No matter what the world says or thinks of me, what matters most is how you see me, my dears. Thanks for being the angels in my life and I am so rich, so blessed and so grateful for all the love you give to me. I hope you know how deeply and how crazily I am in love with each of you too.

To more happiness in March!